hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
