Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
