now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Are we still banned from the library?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
