I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
