i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
