My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
