when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
