I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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