I'd wear matching sweaters with you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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