There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
