So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
