before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize