They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You took a bar mat shot.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize