sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize