I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
