so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Randomize
