i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
