I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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