I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
