I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
