Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
