so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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