rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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