He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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