Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
