he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
