i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
