I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
