im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
