My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize