the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
