worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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