Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
