I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
