if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dicks are not precious.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
