Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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