Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
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