I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
