Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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