literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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