I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is my gift to your gina
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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