Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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