Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
