I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
