just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
