that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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