i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
time to smoke my breakfast
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
