She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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