I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
