just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
