So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
