I can tuck mytits in my pants
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
