my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
