I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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