I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We are two peas in an std pod
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
