Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
