I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
