I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize