U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This is classic penis vs brain.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
