Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
