I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
