theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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